A Girl Missing Two Homes

I have never been the one to get homesick.

Well, maybe, I will say, my idea of what homesickness was missing my bed and the comforts of home and family.

I have begun to feel homesickness in a way I didn't expect. I missed two homes of mine. One I had lived in for all my growing years, my family home in Lincoln, and one home I made myself in Benin. Where I actively chose my furniture, what to eat, how to comfort myself when I was sick, played with my dearest pets, and my favorite neighbors. I didn't miss comforts of Benin; a lot of the time, I was physically uncomfortable, with permanent sweating, dehydration, and really missing dishwashers. But I was missing the part of my soul that was comforted. I could sit outside on a bench with someone and have a conversation or just watch the motorcycles go by.

I could just be....

Now thrown back into the flow of things. I dont have time to just exist in the company of others, without wifi or electricity. I am constantly plugged in, doing 50 pages of readings and writing papers. I love being a student again, but the part of me that was so content with being content is suffering. I want to do the things that bring me passion, but like most of us, I have to do the things that are required of me first, and that usually tires me out.

Does one truly feel at peace when they are not confined to society's pressure?

I missed Benin for the peace of my soul. I could really genuinely smile at something every day, or if I was feeling down, my dog Mochi would brighten it, or my favorite neighbor Rose would come over, and I would let her use my paints, and we would speak in broken French and weme. The days when I would make pancakes and Diane, Sena, and Rose would take turns pouring and flipping, getting mad at each other if one person got to do it more than the other. Classes in Benin would be hard, but when we got singing (for those of you who know me well, you know I LOVE singing), it would be hard to stop us.

Maybe life was easier in Benin...

I didn't feel the need to wear makeup to make myself seem brighter; I could make amazing, brightly colored clothes just because I liked the pattern, or match clothes with a friend or coworkers, which wasn't cringey, but a fun celebration. In Benin, funerals were celebrations of life, full of laughter, dancing, and feasting. Maybe I am forgetting about all the bad times? Or frustrations? I still remember the agony of sweating, hearing that the power was cut, and feeling the last blow of the fan for who knows how long....

But isnt that the gift of memory, to slowly purify until it is all nostalgic?

I miss America for different reasons.

After finally graduating and waiting to start the Peace Corps, I had more time on my hands, and I was actively able to visit my great-grandma more. I was able to talk with her a lot and become closer to my family than I had felt in a long time. I felt closer to my parents, too, after being in the Peace Corps, as I feel like I "grew up" a bit in their eyes, even though I still call them to ask how to fix a clogged drain or moldy towels. I think what I im saying now is that I realized I need my family. I used to say I would move away and never come back; I somehow thought that was the only way I would grow, by planting myself in different soil. While I guess I still did this, I also strengthened my connection with home and my family. We call often, and I try to bring my world to my family through this blog and videos. I admit I haven't been up to the task lately due to this feeling of being out of place here in Taiwan, but I am back. I want to show my family where I have been and the places that have touched my heart. So far, I haven't been able to, but maybe the next place I go will make it more possible.

I am just a simple girl missing two homes.